“Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on (the devil’s) part, be turned into a sense of injury.” C.S. Lewis
Conflict in relationships usually occur when expectations are not met. For example, one may expect another to react a specific way to some news given, and when the reaction does not meet the expectation . . . conflict. Or, one may expect a certain task or event to be done or planned a specific way, and when it is done or planned another way. . . conflict.
There are three major events in life that showcase these heart issues best: weddings, funerals, and births. Most of us have experienced one, if not all, of these events and we know first hand that how family and friends react to these three major events in a persons life can make or break relationships.
James wrote, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people!” (James 1 ESV) James made a good point: most arguments stem from selfishness—from only seeing things from our own perspective and wanting things to be a certain way . . . in short, from not putting other people’s thoughts or feelings before our own.
Conflict is not always a bad thing. In fact, it’s a necessary, if not vital part of spiritual growth. It’s also an integral part of maintaining healthy relationships with one another. If someone spends their life trying to avoid conflict they are, in a sense, refusing to look in the mirror and deal with themselves. They are also refusing to walk in the calling that all of us have received which is to “encourage one another” and “spur one another on toward love and good works.” Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, “I hear that there are divisions among you. And I believe it in part, for there must be factions among you in order that those who are genuine among you may be recognized.” (1 Corinthians 11:18-19) Paul was not saying, “I’m happy you are arguing,” but he was pointing out that conflict merely exposes things in hearts that need to change.
The genuineness of our faith is tested and refined by conflict. How we react when we don’t get our way and our expectations are not met says a lot about who we are. Are we willing to give up what we deem to be our “rights”? Are we willing to give up our own dreams so another’s may come true? Are we willing to lay aside our strong feelings about how things should be done and let them be done another way? How we react to conflict shows us whether or not we are truly walking in love. Do we consider other people’s feelings, desires, expectations, etc.. to be more important than our own? Or will we maintain a sense of injury if we don’t get what we want?
“Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied.” C.S. Lewis
Philippians 2:2-5 should be our guide on how to deal with conflict and “grow up” in faith: ” . . . complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus . . . “
“This is one of the miracles of love: it gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.” C.S. Lewis
At the end of the day, what matters most is not whether we get our way or win an argument. What matters most is whether or not we are willing to be challenged and changed—becoming more like our Savior.
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself . . . Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.“ (Philippians 2:5-9, 14-15 ESV)
