If You Only Knew

It’s just as easy to forget as it is to remember.

Ever since we moved into our new home I’ve been having “flash backs”—probably because I’ve been forced to go through every single item we own because we experienced a mold crises—have had to throw away SO much, including photos. Thank God we have digital copies of most of them. Some of the memories are pleasant, some are not. I have a tendency to cringe at things I should probably embrace as pivotal points in my life and ministry.

That one speaking engagement where I interrupted the pastor because he was incorrectly quoting scripture in an attempt to tell the congregation God was about to make them rich.

That other ministry gig where I and a friend prayed . . . basically SCREAMED . . . loudly in an echo-y hallway for the poor miserable souls in the “backslidden” church where we were booked to sing. (This one makes me want to crawl into the darkest part of one of my kitchen cabinets and slowly rock back and forth in embarrassment). What can I say, we were 14 or 15. Teenagers. We knew not what we were doing.

That time I thought God had spoken to me that he was going to give me a white jeep. Oh, and a certain man for a husband. And I told people. A lot of people. And I was wrong. (Ok, so that’s bad—but what’s the worst thing YOU thought or did as a teenager?!)

These are the funny but not so funny memories. The embarrassing, “Wow, what was I thinking?? My poor parents!” memories.

But then there are the serious ones. The choices I have made that have led me to where I am now. The choices I have to believe God ordained for me to make . . . the choices I have been questioning.

When things get wacky in life it’s easy to start blaming. Usually, we blame God. Sometimes, we blame ourselves. This past year has been TOUGH in many ways—far too many to mention—and I have found myself questioning a lot. Have I been unfaithful? Did I not hear God when he was speaking? Have I sinned? Have I strayed so far from my calling that God has had to punish me in these strange and exhausting ways? I question and I wonder and I cower in fear—fear as I revisit the past, fear when I think of the future.

And that’s when the Lord somehow breaks through with his very still, very small, very precious voice. There have been two songs I had completely forgotten about that he has sung over me again. I wrote them when I was about 13 years-old, at the very beginning of my musical journey, and he keeps bringing them to my mind. One was so “spot on” lyrically with how I was feeling, I actually started shaking my head in utter disbelief. I want to share the words with you as I am sure someone reading this has also felt what I am feeling—the doubt, shame, unbelief, fear, anxiety, frustration. Someone else who also needs to be reminded that God IS near and that he is actually been IN it all.

I don’t like over-simplifying things that are complicated—especially things like sickness and death. I don’t like pretending that everything is black and white when there are times when to us at least, things are actually gray. I don’t like offering trite answers when people are going through deep pain. Because the truth is, only God sees and knows and understands all. Only God knows . . . but he wants us to know something, too. As he said to his people so long ago, “And in the wilderness, where you have seen how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.” (Deuteronomy 1:31 ESV)

He’s near. He hasn’t left. He’s actually been in it all.

It’s humbling to share this old song—it was not written “correctly,” it doesn’t have a set verse or chorus and bridge, and we recorded it as it was written: just a guitar and a 15-year-old voice. The point was the same as it is now: to share the message God was sharing with me.

If You Only Knew

If you only knew how I’ve looked after you
If you only knew how I have rescued you
I wish you wouldn’t think that I have forgotten you

Oh my child, this is more than a test
Oh my child, if only you would rest then you would know

As these lonely days go by
How you sit and cry
Though all the while I’ve been here
Longing to dry your eyes

With your tear streaked face you look up to me
And you cry out like I’m not really listening

Can’t you see?
I am right here, right here
Can’t you see?
I’ve been with you all the way
You’re in my will

Do you remember when you said you’d be my friend?
You swore you’d walk with me through the fire and through the rain
Back then the skies were blue but now things aren’t so new
You didn’t count on this
But I knew you needed this

Oh my child, this is more than a test
Oh my child, I am giving you my best
I wish you’d know

Have you forgotten that I said I’d never leave you?
Have you forgotten that I said I would be near?

I’ve been reaching for your precious hand
And I’ve been praying that one day you would understand

That you are mine
I am right here, right here
You are mine
I’ve been with you all the way
You’re in my will

When these rainy days are through
I’ll be right here
And when these gray skies turn to blue
I hope you remember me

Oh my child, it’s been more than a test
Oh my child, I have given you my best
Your in my will

In my will, in my plan
Oh someday you’ll understand
In my will, in my plan
You’re name’s inscribed upon my hand
I wish you’d know

If You Only Knew
Words and Music: Stephanie Staples, 2002
Breathe On Me in iTunes

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