Forgiveness, Restoration & Personal Responsibility

“Forgiveness does not excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.”

Forgiveness is a hot topic among Christians, probably because we know we all have need of forgiveness and we all have things to forgive. But what is forgiveness? Is it embracing someone when they have done something wrong to make them feel better? Is it saying, “it’s ok” when in your heart you know it’s NOT ok?

Christ had strong words for those who refused to forgive. But I think we have forgotten that he also had strong words for those who refused to repent. Forgiveness has nothing to do with making someone feel better, removing personal responsibility, or even “forgetting” something happened. Forgiveness is letting go.

Forgiveness is NOT:

1. Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as restoration.

In the best cases, forgiveness and restoration go hand in hand, but sometimes they don’t. Forgiving someone does not mean trusting them again or allowing them to have the same relationship with you. Everything depends on the situation and the person/persons involved. For example, if someone lives with an abusive spouse, Christ says they must forgive that spouse for the abuse, whether that spouse asks for it or not. But should a battered woman be restored to her abusive husband if he has refused to change? Should she let him continue to abuse her? Should an adulterer be allowed to continue in their adultery? Should a liar be permitted to continue telling lies? Of course not! The same principle holds true in every human relationship. If I seem to have a good relationship with someone and I later discover that they have a history of lying and have in fact, lied to me, too, I must forgive that person for the wrong they have done me and others. But should I trust them again? No, not if they refuse to change their behavior. Doing so would be unwise and unkind. Unwise because the person has proven themselves untrustworthy. Unkind because I am neglecting to hold them accountable for their actions which is part of my Christian duty, and I am quite possibly also standing in the way of God being able to convict their hearts and change their lives. We would never trust our money to a bank known to have embezzlement issues… why would we trust our hearts to those we know are untrustworthy?

2. Forgiving does not ALWAYS mean forgetting.

The “forgive and forget” concept is tossed around a lot but in truth this principle can only be applied when someone has changed their behavior—in other words, once someone has repented. We must forgive unkind behavior but we do not have to excuse it and can’t just “forget” it if the person has not chosen to stop being unkind. If we pretend wrong behavior is not happening under the guise of “forgiveness,” we’re being foolish and not helping the other person change.

This is something I think that Christians especially have a hard time understanding. We cling to the teachings of Christ, pray the prayer he taught us, “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us,” and do our best to follow in his footsteps—He forgave us despite our treatment of him and he doesn’t constantly remind us of our failures. But if we continue to sin against him we will find ourselves unable to maintain an intimate relationship with him. In the same way, if we continue in OUR bad behavior we cannot expect others to simply “forget” it and have enjoy fellowship with us.

3. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean things will change.

Forgiving does not always mean that circumstances or relationships will change. Again, there are many other factors that play in to healing and restoring and maintaining relationships. Forgiveness lets US change. It allows US to heal and protects us from being controlled by bitterness, anger, or hate. But a change of circumstances is not always in the cards. We have little control over the responses others may have when we forgive. Again, restoration is a two way street.

I remember speaking with someone whose spouse had deserted him for another. He was SO angry and hurt and felt that he couldn’t move on with God until he didn’t feel that anger or hurt anymore. I asked him why he expected those feelings to just go away? It’s like we have convinced ourselves that Christ taught us not to FEEL. Friends, we aren’t Buddhists! Christ said to forgive, IN SPITE OF the pain and anger. He didn’t tell us we couldn’t or wouldn’t FEEL it. Christ taught us to let his love to control us and our behavior. His love must rule, even when our feelings are strong.”In your anger, do not sin.”

4. Forgiveness does not remove the need for people to take personal responsibility for their actions.

This is by far THE most important part of understanding forgiveness.  Relationships are far too often ruined because people refuse to acknowledge what they have done to hurt others. (Lord, if I am guilty of this, forgive me!) Christians: We are called “take up our cross and follow Jesus.” This means we must be willing to be humbled, transformed moment by moment, challenged, convicted, changed. LOVE is God’s number one command! We can’t expect others in the Body to show love and forgiveness to us when we have not been willing to humble ourselves and ask for it. Yes, they may be commanded to forgive and move on . . . but WE are commanded to make things right. Let’s not expect others to “love blindly” when we are unwilling to walk in love and make things right. The path to salvation is the path to restoration, both in our relationship with Jesus and in our relationships with others. In other words: restoration with God is the only path to restoration with each other. Forgiveness is not the path. Salvation—repentance—grace (power) —is.

I realize the above can be misunderstood. This is not to imply that anyone has an excuse to hold on to bitterness. The point is simply that while forgiveness is a beautiful, healing, amazing thing—the very heart of the gospel—we need to understand it. It should not be taken for granted. This is especially true in ministry. It’s actually disturbing how many ministers get away with sinning against people with deceit, greed, even adultery or abuse—and they are allowed and even encouraged to continue ministering, all under the guise of forgiveness. Just as God’s forgiveness, though freely given to us by God can only be enjoyed in it’s fullness when we humble ourselves to embrace it, so forgiveness can only lead to restoration when we who need it humble ourselves to either give or to receive it . . . or both. (When we recognize our need for God and ask for his forgiveness, God “cancels out the wrongs” we have done and the way is opened for us to have a good relationship with him. On the other hand, if we ask for forgiveness, yet go back to our selfish way of living, refusing to change our behavior—even though he gives us the opportunity to change—we have made it impossible for a good relationship to form.)

Forgiveness IS:

1. Forgiveness is acknowledging a wrong has been done . . . and letting go.

It’s OK to recognize and admit you’re in pain. It’s even OK to remember (yes, it’s OK to remember!). But we cannot hold on to the past. We must free ourselves from it by letting go. When we do this, the hurt no longer has power over us. It cannot control our lives.

If we have been hurt in a relationship, we can “let go” by not allowing that hurt to impact future relationships. We remember the past but we don’t carry it around with us.

2. Forgiveness means we will not allow yesterday’s hurt to dictate today’s actions.

We cannot allow past hurts to control our behavior. We will know we have truly forgiven when our actions are no longer dictated by our emotions. A good example of this might be if we have found ourselves hurt by a church or ministry. We will know we have forgiven the wrong when our past experiences do not dictate whether or not we will step foot in ANY church or participate in ANY ministry again. We learn from our experiences but we do not allow the emotional wounds from those experience control us.

What can you forgive today? Are there relationships in your life that have the potential to be restored? On the other side of things: have you neglected to make things right with someone? Is there something you need to take personal responsibility for? If so, ask the Lord for wisdom. He is able to heal and restore IF we follow his lead and do things his way.

“Be at peace with one another.”