How I Feel Inside

Over the years, I’ve learned that there are seasons to absorb and there are seasons to write. The past few months I’ve been absorbing and waiting . . . a necessary discipline if one wants to clearly express what’s deep in the heart.

This morning I was finally able to put some of thoughts to music. I still have no voice (silly laryngitis) so the melody is currently only written in my head . . . hopefully I’ll remember it later.

I felt a bit silly and immature as I penned these words. They are so childish! I felt like I was throwing a spoiled tantrum. I “know” how important it is to maintain an attitude of faith, no matter what. I “know” it is useless to over analyze and ask questions. I “know” that so many others in the faith have gone through many more painful trials than I have. I still remember what I’ve read by Corrie ten Boom, Elisabeth Elliot, Lilias Trotter, and Amy Carmichael—women who penned stories of faith, even though they faced incredible personal trials. But I also know the story of Elijah. The “man of God” who got depressed and battle weary, laid under a tree, and asked to die. He gave up. I guess you could call this Elijah’s song . . . I am sharing the lyrics because I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way.

My heart still cries, “the story isn’t over . . .” but in order for my flickering flame to be fanned to strength, I had to get the clutter out of my heart. I have no right to sing a song like this but if we are called to be honest in our writing, well . . . here’s to honest.

How I Feel Inside
November 28, 2013

Once again
I’ve been forced into a lonely place
Flat on my back, waiting
For a storm to pass

Is there a rhyme or reason?
If so, then I’m missing it
These constant delays
Feel like constant mistakes

I’m starting to get weary of the fight
There’s a struggle deep inside of me
I’m not sure I can overcome this

Right or wrong
It’s how I feel inside
This is starting to feel permanent

Clinging to hope
Is getting hard to do
The patience I’ve had
Is wearing pretty thin

I know I have no right to complain
But these constant delays
Are shaking my faith

I’m starting to get weary of the fight
There’s a struggle deep inside of me
I’m not sure I can overcome this

I’m trying to hold on to what you’ve said
You love me and you’re with me
Even when I can’t get out of bed

“Embrace the pain,
“Embrace your will”
Hard to do when your life is at a standstill

I’m starting to get tired of the pain
I’m hoping you still love me
Cause I feel I must have failed again

Right or wrong
It’s how I feel inside
Please don’t let this fight be permanent

Thank you to the many who are praying for this sickness to pass! Of course, there is more to my story than this wee sickness or I would not have written such a song . . . but we’ll leave things at that. 🙂

BE JOYFUL IN HOPE! Happy Thanksgiving! Our God is near.

Your fellow traveler,

Stephanie