Two nights ago, after a sobering phone conversation with my father, I was encouraged to open up and be vulnerable –even to those who don’t know me well. This is not easy for me, but I will do my best.
The past few months have been the both sweetest and the most difficult of my life. The sweetest, because I married the best man I know on August 30th. The most difficult because, after the wedding, honeymoon, and an immediate move to a new city, I had a freak accident that involved my chin and a curb.
You wouldn’t think that such a small incident could possibly alter the lives of two newlyweds. But it has. For over two months, my new husband has had watch me experience incapacitating migraines (due to a concussion and neck, back, and jaw injuries), see me through three ER visits, take me for emergency medical care while I was overseas (Hong Kong), and hold me steady on numerous occasions when I was shaking or passing out from pain.
Throughout this process I have had to ask myself why I, who truly believe and trust in the faithfulness of God, and who has been through more trials than I can even remember, who has written songs about how faithful Jesus has been, who has been blessed beyond measure with everything a person could ever want or need (a loving husband, family, a beautiful place to live, etc.) would even entertain the thought that dying would be better than living.
I found myself wondering about the people with lifelong illnesses (mine is only temporary), those fighting MS or cancer, those starving to death, being beaten, or tortured in prison camps in North Korea, China, and Vietnam. Those who have lost loved ones . . . what gives them the desire and strength to keep living? If heaven is truly a place of rest, and if Jesus is there, why put up a fight to stay here? Why not just “give up”?
I found my answer yesterday, in the words of the apostle, Paul, a man who experienced pain and suffering beyond what most of us can imagine. He said:
“For the me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
In other words, “living” is allowing Christ to flow through us. It is showing the world the goodness and faithfulness of our God through our words, actions, and how we respond to the circumstances that come our way. We live not for ourselves but for Christ and for those He loves.
“But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.”
Paul felt torn. He knew that for him life meant labor. It meant struggle, work, and far too often, pain. Sure, he would experience sweet moments. But often the bitter would seem to overshadow them. For Paul, death meant rest. It meant no longer having to fight misunderstandings, sickness, beatings, and imprisonments. It meant seeing the One he served so faithfully, face to face.
Most of us haven’t and probably will never have to face exactly what Paul faced. But all of us experience struggle. And sometimes we feel like “giving up,” too.
“I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better {Paul’s heart was to be at rest, to be with Christ}; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake {he knew God had called him to be a light, a support, and . . . a friend to others}.
It’s taken a while to “sink in,” but I think I finally understand at least one of the things that God has been trying to show me:
The key to waking up in the morning with a desire to LIVE (despite pain) is to remember that we are “not {our} own.” “For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.” (Romans 14:7-8) We were and are meant to LIVE, not just to exist or survive or to just “hang on” until it’s finally our turn to go. We’re meant to be ALIVE, to be LIFE, to reveal LIFE, to bring joy to others . . . and to allow them to bring joy to us.
God breathed in us in the beginning to give us life. And He will be faithful to breathe in us again and again and again, whenever we need Him to. He WANTS us to LIVE.
“Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.”
No matter what you are going through, please don’t “give up.” You are meant to LIVE. He will give you the strength. Keep looking up!
